• {Getting Real} Sex on Your Wedding Night: Tips for Having it (Because Most Couples Don’t)

    sex on your wedding night | photo by elizabeth messina

    {UPDATE} Since this post was originally published, it has gotten VERY popular (some of you are finding this by searching for some very weird things online. I’m not judging, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you’re looking for…)

    I even appeared on the front page of The Huffington Post, did a chat on HuffPost Live, and was on Glamour Weddings.  You can read all about it here.

    Ok, here’s the real deal about sex on your wedding night: almost no one does it!  Shocking, I know.  I’ll never forget when the first of my girlfriends confessed to me that she and her new husband didn’t have sex the night of their wedding.  I couldn’t believe it.  And then I heard it from another friend.  And another.  By then I started to realize it was more than just a fluke – it was the norm. Now I should say that this probably doesn’t apply to those of you waiting to have sex until marriage, but I find that isn’t what most couples do these days. Most of us have been together for a long time, are well into adulthood, and have had sex. If you haven’t, you also probably aren’t interested in this post. But for the rest of you, keep reading.

    More than likely, you and your new husband are both exhausted, hot & sweaty, drunk, or a combination of the three. By the time you retire to your “honeymoon suite” you’re ready to pass out. But if you really want to have sex on your wedding night, you can do it. I did! Here are a few tips to making it happen.

    sex on your wedding night | photo by elizabeth messinaTip 1: Don’t stay out at the wedding after-party with your wedding guests till 5 am.  And don’t get completely wasted.  It’s totally ok to party, stay out till 5 am, and get wasted.  But you won’t have sex.  Pick your fun.

    sex on your wedding night | photo by elizabeth messinaTip 2: If you do want to meet up with your guests at an after-party, or stay out late partying, excuse yourself for a bit after the wedding and before you meet up with everyone to get out of your wedding clothes.  While you’re out of them, have sex.  Then go party.  Problem solved.  Oh, and being in a rush to meet up with everyone might make it even hotter…

    sex on your wedding night | photo by elizabeth messina

    Tip 3:  When you get to your room, take a romantic bath or shower (preferably together).  It will make you feel less disgusting from all of that dancing and drinking and will wake you up a bit. Then slip into that sexy lingerie you bought for your wedding night and get busy.  You might not feel like it at the start, but you’ll be into it pretty soon.  And that lesson is good practice for later, if/when you have kids and you often have to make yourselves have sex when you can, whether you’re into it at that moment or not.

    sex on your wedding night | photo by elizabeth messinaTip 4: Be ok with the fact that you might not have sex on your wedding night. It’s not that big of a deal – you have the rest of your lives together. Plus, there’s always morning-after-wedding sex…  And that’s why I don’t believe in organized day-after brunches.

    Need some suggestions for great wedding night lingerie?  I love this, this, this, and this.  Oh, and this – for after.

    {all photos by Elizabeth Messina originally found here on Munaluchi Bride and here on Wedding Chicks}


    This post may contain affiliate links.

    Leave a comment.


    1. Posted Mar 21 at 7:44 pm | Permalink

      We totally didn’t. I didn’t get any sleep the night before the wedding, was up for hair and makeup at 6am, wedding ended at 5pm, went back to the room and crashed until I had to get ready for our dessert after party at 7pm. Then I left the party early while hubs stayed out. By the time he got back to the hotel, I was passed out. Romantic, huh?

      It actually didn’t happen for a few days, because we had such an action packed week with our destination wedding. Two full days at theme parks and exhaustion. But that’s okay. Like you said, you have the rest of your life. No one should feel pressure to make it happen – that’s not much fun, either.

    2. Kalli
      Posted Mar 21 at 11:47 pm | Permalink

      Definitely the third one for after!

    3. Posted Mar 23 at 1:12 am | Permalink

      For me, it’s more enjoyable to go to the after party and mingle with my friends and family. It’s more memorable. You can have sex anytime afterwards anyway.

    4. Posted Mar 27 at 6:49 am | Permalink

      Tip number 3 is what we did, lol, and make sure you don’t take to long getting that sexy lingerie on or he will be passed out on the bed before you get back out there!! Another great tip is that for my friends we got their hotel keys and went to their room to decorate, plus left bottles of water to help with a hang over, and had yummy treats for them to eat and soak up the booze. I also put together the Wedding Hangover Kits which includes, coffee, chocolate, band-aids, Tylenol extra strength, bubble bath, and more 🙂

    5. Christina
      Posted Apr 4 at 12:10 am | Permalink

      This is the saddest post I have ever read. If you honor marriage as a beautiful and sacred thing, not just another drunken right of passage, then there is no way you would skip or rush consummating your love. Especially to go out and get wasted with friends. I would be devastated if my husband chose drinking with buddies over the wedding night. Come on, ladies!

      • Annie
        Posted Jun 7 at 6:47 am | Permalink

        I felt the same way as I read this! For us, it is about the marriage, not the wedding. Our guests can enjoy their own afterparty while we consummate our marriage!

      • Erin
        Posted Aug 2 at 6:37 pm | Permalink

        What a nasty thing to say. For me, this day will of course be about me and my new husband and the love that we share, but it is a day that we get to spend with our nearest and dearest friends and families (some of whom have traveled from very far away) – so I don’t think that wanting to spend time with family while they are here, and consummating the marriage the next night means that we “do not honour marriage as a beautiful and sacred thing” – how very close minded of you.

      • Ally
        Posted Nov 1 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

        COMPLETELY agree!!

      • Maggie
        Posted Dec 17 at 8:47 pm | Permalink

        I agree, Christina. I can’t imagine getting trashed on my wedding night, for starters. Perhaps if weddings were weddings and not events that had to start at 6am and last until midnight there would be a lot less stress and a lot more sex! Woo hoo!

    6. Jeanette
      Posted Apr 6 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

      My fiance and I are waiting to have sex until we are married and let me tell you…we will most definitely be having sex on our wedding night. Counting down the days 😉

      • Wendy
        Posted Jun 18 at 6:11 pm | Permalink

        For those saving themselves for marriage…it’s still very possible that you will not have sex on the night of your wedding. Truth is, it hurts the first time. Take it slow, and don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. Don’t put pressure on yourself or your new spouse. And if it does happen, that’s great! (And it will get better and better!)

      • Chelsea Krahenbill
        Posted Apr 13 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

        Us too! We’ve waited 7 years, I definitely don’t think it’s something my fiance is going to pass up! He has a countdown on his phone for goodness sake!

      • stevie
        Posted Mar 21 at 1:30 am | Permalink

        I think its marvellous that you are waiting to be deflowered on your honeymoon night. It really is a precious gift that youare both honouring. Would love to hear the full story once the honeymoon is over. Are you preparing your trousseau and what will you be wearing on the night?

    7. CC
      Posted Jun 1 at 7:45 pm | Permalink

      I find this article, or at least the ideas behind it, very sad and so far from what the idea of marriage should be. It seems that the wedding is seen as nothing more than a great big party rather than a confession of a lifelong commitment and devotion to celebrate with friends. Too wasted to make love? Is it a bunch of frat boys and sorority girls getting married? I propose a striking idea; focus on the spouse, save the partying for later. Enjoy every single moment with the spouse, and let them know that you are devoted to them; not partying, friends, or family. It’s no wonder most marriages wind up in divorce…because people have their priorities all out of whack. I sincerely feel sorry for these couples who spend so much time focusing their energy on entertaining family and friends, or the actual wedding, or getting drunk, rather than on the one they claim to love and be devoted to… So sad…

    8. Brianna
      Posted Sep 22 at 8:17 am | Permalink

      My god, all of you sitting there on your judgement pedestal should really take a step down. She isn’t saying that the main reason for why most couples may not be “consummating their love” is because they’re to busy getting drunk and not truly understanding what the wedding even stands for; she is saying that things happen! Stuff gets in the way, you seeing as you and your new husband are technically the hosts of this shindig. And most if not all of these people are your closest friends and cherished family members. Your obligation to your wedding party and guest is NOT to ditch them so you can “consummate your love” it’s to make sure they are happy and enjoying themselves, it’s to be available so they can wish you the best of luck and bless you. I love my boyfriend and if he ever pops the question and asks me to spend the rest of our lives together you better believe our wedding will be badass! But our marriage will be lasting. So get off your soapbox because the “consummating” isn’t the most important thing either…

      • becks
        Posted Dec 7 at 8:59 pm | Permalink

        I don’t think they are meaning to be closed minded. See, when you wait to have sex until after you’re married, the excitement is just too much. You want to enjoy your family, and most people often do, but the after party is not important because you’re excited to finally experience this amazing thing that God has given to you. And honestly, your family members are going to more than understand. I for one am truly excited to finally experience intimacy with my future husband, I don’t want to exhaust ourselves before then.

    9. Jennifer Fourier
      Posted Oct 31 at 9:03 am | Permalink

      Since I was a virgin when we got married, sex was hard and uncomfortable for me. It was impossible the first night! It took almost our whole week of our vacation before I began to enjoy it without pain. No one tells you that! But it was actually an enlightening experience! I learned just how much my husband loves me and got to experience his gentleness and patience towards me and what it really means to work towards something good together! So remember, enjoy the journey!

    10. Chio
      Posted Mar 9 at 12:37 am | Permalink

      I think for the people who have been waiting to have sex until they’re married will make time to have a beautiful magical night. Such as I plan to do.

    11. Posted Apr 16 at 2:52 pm | Permalink

      This is really fascinating, You’re a very
      professional blogger. I have joined your rss feed and look ahead to in search of extra of your
      excellent post. Also, I’ve shared your web site
      in my social networks

    12. stacy
      Posted May 2 at 6:36 pm | Permalink

      I’m a brand new bride who just married my now husband after over 10 years of love and lots of sex and I have to share that the wedding night sex was special and I wouldn’t trade it for any after party, socializing, or whatever. It was meaningful and amazing and something no wedding night should be lacking. My best memories of the day will be from the vows and that honeymoon suite & I left that hotel feeling giddy and in love and so did he. Don’t skip the love!

    13. Posted May 5 at 4:36 am | Permalink

      Hello! I’ve been following your web site for a long time now
      and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a
      shout out from Humble Tx! Just wanted to say keep up
      the great job!

    14. MonkeysBeautiful
      Posted Jul 6 at 12:39 pm | Permalink

      I think you forgot one really fantastic thing, which for couples who have already had sex can make it a once in a lifetime experience. Have sex IN YOUR DRESS. It adds a little sexy and something new to get your libido going. I also agree, IRS about love, family and celebration. Sex is great, if you get there wonderful, if not just try again tomorrow. 🙂

    3 Trackbacks

    Leave a Reply

    • The Land of Nod, design for kids and people that used to be kids
    •  Seriously cannot believe I'm saying this but, YOU ARE NINE MONTHS OLD! Your first 9 months of life sure did go by faster than your 9 months in my belly, and I didn't even know you were in there for the first 9 weeks! (Yep, I was totally that pregnant lady the third time around  but that's a story for another time...) You are feeding yourself, have still never had a bottle , are pulling up to standing, sprint crawling, finally cut your first tooth and are working on your second. You have regressed in sleep and the last week have been waking up 1-2 times a night but I know it's those teeth. You are not a good teether. You're babbling like crazy, mostly in this hilarious new demon voice, you often mimic sounds, and are always saying dadadada. How about a little mama, huh? I'm the one who has barely slept for 9 months through colic and reflux and nursing and night wakings and who carries you around on my person 90% of the time. I'm not bitter though. The smiles you save for me alone more than make up for it. #quincysmonthbymonth  Countdown to Halloween is on! Reminiscing about that time Charlie was @macklemore for Halloween, 2013. Kid was two weeks shy of three and played the part to a tee. What is your favorite costume you or your kids ever did? #isthatyourgrandmascoat #poppintags #charlieasmacklemore #babymacklemore #bornentertainer #charlesdashiell
       Continuing the Halloween theme today because I'm in a Halloween mood  Last year. My favorite movie as a kid became Charlie's favorite last year and he wanted to be Jareth so bad. I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but we did. Even down to dressing Calvin as Toby because he was the perfect age. I don't think it will ever get better than this for me. #dancemagicdance #babewiththepower #labyrinth  Motherhood is a constantly evolving state of total joy, exhausted agony, superhuman strength, and very human failures. As soon as you celebrate that superhuman successful day, it is replaced with new challenges. And just when you think you can't go one more day, you get a day so magical you want to have ten more babies. I'm in the midst of one of those exhausted phases again but I keep trying to remind myself that it is this phase that makes the magical days shine brighter. In the wise words of Miley Cyrus (I'm actually serious): it's all about the climb.  We've got this mamas. (Tag a momma who needs to get cheesy and read the words to a Miley Cyrus song ) #battlefieldmotherhood _______________________________________________ I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, But there's a voice inside my head saying, "You'll never reach it." Every step I'm takin' Every move I make feels lost with no direction, My faith is shakin' But I, I gotta keep tryin' Gotta keep my head held high There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side It's the climb The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down, But no, I'm not breaking I may not know it, But these are the moments That I'm gonna remember most  Just gotta keep goin', And I, I gotta be strong Just keep pushing on, 'Cause... There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side It's the climb.
    • The Honest Company
    • Personalized Mother's Day Photo Cards: She’s always gone the extra mile for you. Now, it’s never been easier to add an extra special touch to Mother’s Day with a personalized photo card.
    • Wedding Paper Divas Wedding Day Needs - Programs, Menus, and more
    • Free Wedding Website from Wedding Paper Divas
    • Earth Mama Angel Baby